wolfman1000000

I've always dealt with depression, maybe I'm an emotional masochist, but I think I just suppress my inner self and my secret desires of multitudes of things. I constantly try to hide who I really am due to the social norm. I'm very self conscious to where I rarely journey outside of the norm or at least what I consider the norm. only a select few know me and I'm still afraid of being seen as a pariah of opinions and character. but like I'm hoping to break the dungeon of fear and maybe slowly become the one I feel I want to be.

btw I'm not homosexual. that's not what this about. don't read between the lines and assume anything then congratulate me as a gay man. I'm not. I'm not coming out of the closet, I'm wanting to reveal my real personality.

life, it's getting harder to make it through. I'm fighting myself, people always say be yourself but I can't, that side feels even more weird; wrong even. like society would never accept the true freak I am. I'm so sad and bitter, I want the world to burn for any and all crimes the world has set against me. but that is wrong, I am wrong. I am like the robot who is in need of repair, I am broken.

people always try to deter me from thinking about suicide saying, "what about your family, what about the people who love you?" what about them. they never loved me. there is no such thing as love, love is the greatest illusion people slip onto other people, happiness the second. there is only sadness, pain, loneliness, bitterness, and anger. life is just a constant bout with these emotions and thoughts related to them. bad thoughts the public see as wrong. and so like slipping a drug into your drink, so too do people slip in love into your mind. controlling you til the drug wears off and you see the world and the people around it as it truly is.

is ignorance bliss? I hope so. I wish you all ignorant people to be enlightened by this word and realize we date, marry, adopt, have children, and friends all so we can satisfy our need to not feel the truth loneliness. but deep down we all realize at one point or another that we will die alone, screaming, no matter how many people surround you. you will still die by yourself. after all, death is a solo event.

I may need to go away somewhere soon. I'm sick and I'm not getting better. I need help. you can only cry so much before your own tears drown you.

so sad, so blue. hopelessness seeps into my heart no matter how many leaks I fix. I always end up crying on days like this. hate everything but I hate myself more, wish I could run away but I am my own prison, burden. I'm gonna cry myself to sleep and hopefully wake up happier.

breathing exercises, zen meditation, all the good stuff. my mind is clear, happy? I don't know but I would definitely try it.

I gotta go back to zen and breathing.